Breathe Me
by KCakaAlice
Summary: She's a mess without him, consumed by thoughts that cause her pain. Can he make it better? Please read and review


I sit here, so overwhelmed that I'm numb. It's a strange place to be and everything feels as if it might collapse in on me at any second, threatening to overcome me. No one really understands I don't think, which makes this even harder to push through. My thoughts are going a mile a minute and I can't make them slow down for even a second. Those thoughts are also hurting me in ways I can't describe and I don't have the slightest idea why. How strange is it to be in this place and not know how I got here or how to get out. It's like my own personal and private, padded cell, and I'm scratching the walls to try and get some form of relief.

_**Help, I have done it again  
I have been here many times before  
I hurt myself again today  
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame**_

It's unnerving when the people in your life look at you and you know all they see is a shell, the front that you put up. I'm not really sure how many people actually know the real me, not even sure that I know. That is utterly terrifying. I need solace, but where does one find solace when everywhere they turn they are met with looks that question their sanity.

My parents are more than less than unhelpful. I tell them funny things from my life or something that happened to me the other night and I get a look that says "You can't possibly be my child." They interact with others in normal ways, ways that I envy. My friends get pieces of me, each one of them sees something different; never the whole me.

My other-half sees things no one else does but fails to see the things everyone else sees. How can that possibly be right? I hide myself from him even, the one person who should know everything, and put me back together when I'm too weak to move. He can comfort me more than anyone else in this world, simply by taking me in his arms and kissing me gently. The world melts away when that happens and he saves me for a little while. He saves me from my thoughts, the world, myself. He's hardly ever home though and most nights I close myself off to keep from thinking too hard about that fact.

Music is my only companion most times though, and the only way to address the pain. Sadly, it also feeds the pain. But I get high with words, for they are the most potent drug. Anyone who taps into the desolate world in my head remains on repeat.

My damaging thoughts are interrupted by gentle steel wrapping me in love. My heart thuds in my chest and I relax against him, letting him chase away the fear. I can't possibly tell him the things that worry me and cause that vacant look to appear in my eyes. He can't know how much I break when I'm alone. I can't be weak in front of him. I'm the one steady in his life and, for him, I will remain constant to help him through. He may have chosen where he is in life but that doesn't mean he likes it. But how can I let someone else rely on me when I can't even be left alone with my thoughts and remain sane.

He places a gentle kiss on my temple and whispers in my ear, "Where are you?"

"In your arms," I reply in hushed tones, stating the obvious to avoid the real answer.

"I mean up here," he explains as he nudges my head with his nose.

"Nowhere in particular," I lie, still trapped in my solitary confinement.

We are standing on the balcony of our apartment as I stare off into the distance in an attempt to keep up my walls and be his rock. He never sees me break, no one does. The wind blows, ruffling his hair against the side of my face, causing me to find temporary relief. Closing your eyes as the wind envelopes you is a spiritual feeling that can't be found anywhere else, and exactly what I need in this moment. I feel something break inside my chest as I lose myself in the moment and tears begin to flow freely down my cheeks; tears I've been holding back for an immeasurable amount of time.

He feels the tiny beads of salt water connect with his face as it rests against mine. Slowly he turns me in his arms and leans his forehead against mine. "I can't help you if you won't let me in."

Surely I can't tell him what pops into my head, that I can't him in, so I just cry harder. There are waterfalls coming down my face down and I start to shake my head, almost as if I can rid myself of the betraying thoughts.

"Baby," he tries to soothe, "Let me help you. It tears me up to see you like this, I feel helpless."

Fantastic, my efforts have been wasted. Either way he is hurt so why hide it anymore? Because the truth would hurt him more and I really can't let that happen.

"It's nothing I could possibly put into words." My words are strangled as I continue to sob.

"Is there nothing I can do to ease what you are feeling?" I know he is begging and I can hear in his voice that he is practically on his knees.

The words leave my mouth like they are a confession of a dirty lie and I feel exposed. "Please, just hold me for a while." His arms take me in as close as possible and relief washes over me. If I could just stay here then I would never have to be lost again. This is my home after all, one I'm left without all too often.

_**Be my friend  
Hold me, wrap me up  
Unfold me  
I am small  
and needy  
Warm me up  
And breathe me**_

I begin to confess things that I never imagined leaving my mouth, even though they barely skimmed the surface.

"I feel lost right now, and my only relief is that you are here, in front of me, holding me. Thank God for you being here right now, because it's the only relief I've felt in I don't know how long. The pressure builds and builds until I feel like I might explode and I almost pray for it, thinking that it might be just the release I need. But it never comes and I am constantly consumed by the idea of impending combustion. I hurt in a non-tangible and unfixable way. My thoughts continue and the pain continues and it's like some part of me doesn't want it to go away. So I keep hurting myself and I can't get away from it." I knew I was rambling but when I started, the dam broke, and I couldn't reign myself in. _****_

Ouch  
I have lost myself again  
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,  
Yeah I think that I might break  
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

As I stopped myself and took a moment to observe his reaction, I was pained even more. His eyes were screwed shut and his beautiful mouth was turned down. My fingers smoothed over his face, trying in vain to rid the features of worry lines. Soft eyelashes drifted upwards and green orbs zeroed in on me. His eyes were pleading for some way into my head, some way to erase my troubles.

"Make me forget about it all, leave it all behind, please." This time I was begging and he searched my face for some clue as to how to fulfill my spoken prayer.

I moved my head and placed my lips next to his ear, confessing what I needed, and could only get, from him.

"Make love to me." As the words left my mouth, his arms tightened around me and he returned my whisper.

"Anything," he promised. I was lifted gently from the ground and I closed my eyes, clinging to my lifeline. _****_

Be my friend  
Hold me, wrap me up  
Unfold me  
I am small  
and needy  
Warm me up  
And breathe me

Gently, I was lowered into a yielding softness and I looked up to watch my lover, best friend, and husband. He stood strong at the edge of the bed, slowly removing his shirt before descending on me. With delicate strokes, he melted away all of the things that plagued me second after second, every single day. He kissed me softly as his fingers ghosted over my skin, touching every part of me. Velvet stroked my bottom lip as he used his tongue against my mouth. He grasped the hem of my shirt and I arched my back, allowing him to drag the obtrusive fabric up my body.

The shirt was tossed aside and quickly forgotten as he caressed me with his lips and tongue. Starting at my jaw, he trailed down my body until he came to the top of my shorts. Two fingers linked inside the elastic and slid my shorts and panties down my legs with a painfully sluggish speed. Those too were discarded without so much as another thought and his lips returned to my skin. Each leg was adorned with love and I began to forget why I had felt so lost before.

Entirely too soon he was done with my legs and back at my mouth. We kissed with desperation before breaking apart for air. I breathed in his scent and reveled in it. He appeared to do the same before speaking a truth I already knew.

"I love you, so much."

"I know," I told, urging him to continue.

Fingers brushed aside the straps of my bra and lips traced over where they had been. I shivered a little under his attention and his fingers nimbly removed my bra. I grasped for the button of his jeans as he lavished attention onto my neck and chest. He stopped long enough for me to pull his jeans and boxers free from his body in one swift movement.

Expert fingers gently brushed my lower half, readying me for what was about to come. Slow strokes worked me over and I was blissfully aware of how amazing he made me feel. Before I knew it, two fingers slipped into me and I moaned. One by one, my cursed thoughts slipped away like melting butter.

His kissed and nipped my neck and my back arched me into him, causing a delicious friction between our bodies. Our lips met gently as he removed his hand and hovered over me. He settled in between my legs and wrapped his arms underneath me, holding me flush against his body. My body tightened and he slid inside me, causing me to gasp and him to groan. For a moment we were still and lost in bliss.

We moved together in harmony, slow at first and then with increasing need as we clung tightly to each other. He was now my rock, washing away all of the things that were unnecessary and holding me together. We took our time and loved each other with everything we had and when we couldn't take anymore, we let go, falling over the edge with each other. I'm not sure we have ever been that close before or been that connected. As cliché as this sounds, it was the best experience of my life.

He slipped behind me and held me safely against his chest where nothing could touch me. My own personal heaven.

In that moment of drifting and floating, right before sleep overcomes you, I felt whole. The damage was fixed and forgotten and I couldn't bring myself to worry about anything.

_**Confused by the lies she's been fed  
And she's searching for no one  
(But herself)  
Her eyes turn to green and she seems to be happy  
That she is here  
And this time I think you'll know  
You're not alone  
There is more to this, I know  
You can make it out  
You will live to tell**_

***********

**So, I left out names for a reason. It was written as Edward and Bella but it's easier to relate to if you can imagine whoever you want to in the roles. Hope you liked it. I know it's kind of emo. Please let me know what you thought**

**The bold italicized words are song lyrics. The two songs are "Breathe Me" by Sia and "You're Not Alone" by Saosin. **


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